Smile / Cry

Good Day to You All,

My brain just hurts today.  I really think that I am losing my mind.  I could not go to work today.  Physical and Mental Pain.  Just too much stuff going on.  Trying to keep it all together and take it one day at a time.  I am finally realizing that my illness may take my life.  As horrible as that sounds, I started reaching out for help.  Meds alone is not going to correct this.  I try daily to be strong and handle day to day issues.  I’m just having a rough time with just the simplest of tasks which has lead me to question my own sanity.

I have spent the day today crying.  Just wanted to let everything out.  Called my wife because I really needed to hear her voice and no matter what, I know that I have her support.

Panic Attacks just rips you apart especially when you have multiple ones every day.  I can’t wait to see my phycologist next week.  I only have 2 things I am truly looking forward to next week.  My son is graduating and my Doctors Appointment.

I had no choice but to apply for VA Benefits recently.  I am also going to apply for disability benefits.  My quality of work has suffered greatly.  This illness is starting to show its ugly side and I cannot control.  I cannot leave the house.  I’m just afraid.  Strangely as that sounds, its true.  I am afraid of being judged and mocked.  I am afraid of what people as saying about me.  I’m afraid of having to hide in the bathroom while at work when having multiple panic attacks.  I’m just afraid of myself.

Please understand that writing this is in a way helping me.  I can just type away what I am feeling.  It helps to know that I am not alone.  This illness is not just my problem.  This same illness has taken its toll on a lot of us.  I want to be at peace.  I hope I can find the path that leads to peace.  Depression hurts.  It really hurts…

There is not beginning or end to this post.  I just wanted to write.  I don’t know if it makes sense.  I don’t know if I actually wrote something that a reader could understand.  I just write….

5 thoughts on “Smile / Cry

  1. Writing is a start. There is something about writing that helps. Doing this, you are not getting judged. It is anonymous..

    I just want to say a few things that come to my mind:

    1) I have been there.
    2) It will pass
    3) If something does not work, try something else. But keep trying a variety of things
    4) Get support (VA,,everywhere, anywhere) because you are worth it..

    Understand that you mean something. That you are important and that we need you. That being your friends, family, and those you talk to. Even on this blog.

    Do not be ashamed. There is no shame.

  2. I’m so sorry for all your pain. I understand, unfortunately. I’m in a dark place myself right now.

    Keep on searching, keep on writing, and know there are others who feel like you do.
    donna marie

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