Summer Days :-)

Good Day to You All,

This month has been long for me so far.  I have been trapped in my home until this weekend.  I finally found the strength to get out of bed and deal with the world.  The extra push came from my new Doctor.  For the first time in a long while, I have hope that this world has a place for me.  This Doctor truly wants to help.  I need his help.  I don’t want to be in pain mentally.  Positive thoughts rather then negative.  I guess it is baby steps.

I am going to try and blog a bit more.  Writing does help.  I appreciate all of the comments I have received.  I am not alone.

Smile / Cry

Good Day to You All,

My brain just hurts today.  I really think that I am losing my mind.  I could not go to work today.  Physical and Mental Pain.  Just too much stuff going on.  Trying to keep it all together and take it one day at a time.  I am finally realizing that my illness may take my life.  As horrible as that sounds, I started reaching out for help.  Meds alone is not going to correct this.  I try daily to be strong and handle day to day issues.  I’m just having a rough time with just the simplest of tasks which has lead me to question my own sanity.

I have spent the day today crying.  Just wanted to let everything out.  Called my wife because I really needed to hear her voice and no matter what, I know that I have her support.

Panic Attacks just rips you apart especially when you have multiple ones every day.  I can’t wait to see my phycologist next week.  I only have 2 things I am truly looking forward to next week.  My son is graduating and my Doctors Appointment.

I had no choice but to apply for VA Benefits recently.  I am also going to apply for disability benefits.  My quality of work has suffered greatly.  This illness is starting to show its ugly side and I cannot control.  I cannot leave the house.  I’m just afraid.  Strangely as that sounds, its true.  I am afraid of being judged and mocked.  I am afraid of what people as saying about me.  I’m afraid of having to hide in the bathroom while at work when having multiple panic attacks.  I’m just afraid of myself.

Please understand that writing this is in a way helping me.  I can just type away what I am feeling.  It helps to know that I am not alone.  This illness is not just my problem.  This same illness has taken its toll on a lot of us.  I want to be at peace.  I hope I can find the path that leads to peace.  Depression hurts.  It really hurts…

There is not beginning or end to this post.  I just wanted to write.  I don’t know if it makes sense.  I don’t know if I actually wrote something that a reader could understand.  I just write….